Been looking at the sky a lot lately. Going over to my friend's house this weekend to paint clouds on her bathroom ceiling. I have been practicing them all week to get them right. This is a second sketch. Much better than the first, but I've still got to step it up a bit. Currently I am waiting for the freshly-gessoed canvas to dry so that I can try again.
Got the news today at work that we've renewed our contract with the health insurance company. Premiums, co-pays and deductibles have all risen. This means that to keep my insurance, I will have to pay $30 minimum more per month, not counting the extra cost I'll have for doctor's visits. That brings my total pay to $146 per month to keep myself insured. I guess that's probably what most people pay, but that extra $30 bucks a month seems to be such a big deal to me.
Not only was I crestfallen when I read that I'll have to pay more, I was worried: Can I afford this? I already have a tough time paying for food and gas on top of all my other bills, how will this affect me? It's been a year now since I got my pay cut, and there is no sign of that cut money returning, let's not even talk about a raise.
I've told them several times that I need more money, that I'm struggling. They've told me several times no. So, my options are to get a different job or get a second job. I've done some freelance work lately, so the extra money coming in covers what my pay check does not. But there is a finite amount of money in those jobs. After it's gone, then what? I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to keep going.
All I know is that I've fallen into the horrible trap of worrying about money, and how hard I've fallen! I remember being young and observing my dad mired in a constant fear of not having enough. As far as I could tell, he seemed constantly agitated by the thought of money. It seems he always had trouble with it. I saw how this fear wore him down, and I vowed to never fall into this same trap. Well, now that I'm 30, I see that I've realized my fear, and have been ensnared into this horrible constant fear of cash, despite my best efforts.
This fear of not having enough money has slowly crept in, and I feel like I've betrayed myself, because, here I am, still fairly young, and yet my mind is plagued by this horrible sense of lack. This fear snuck in through the back door, it seems, quietly looming, and then suddenly striking.
If I've learned one thing, it's that I always make it through. Years past, I've been tight on cash, but I've always had a good life, never gone without. The past always seems clear of fear; like yesterday was a good day but tomorrow I will be without. When will I be able to reconcile this fear? I know that I will always be ok. I will make it through.
When my boss told me today that I had to pay another $30 a month, I felt like the walls around me closed in just a little bit more. Like my quality of life would have to shrink, because a precious means would be stripped.
Sometimes I wonder if all of this is a big test; like all this crap I'm going through now is preparing me to fully appreciate what I will have later. Sometimes I believe in fate. Or, I should say, I used to believe in fate. Nowadays I kind of just see life not as something where we learn lessons or grow closer to our souls, but rather just a blip in a huge machine. That nothing makes sense or has fate because we are not a spiritual miracle, we just are. Like ants are and plants are. So I have a difficult time feeling that somehow I cosmically deserve to be wealthy and rich later because I have spent so much time worrying about money now.
I've got to get outside and above this fear. I've got to transcend my nightmares of not having enough supply. I fully believe that this fear of loss and lack have easily taken control over my happiness and contentedness. Somehow I have to learn to live outside the constraints of desire for money.
But how? Where do I begin? Actually, I think this past year, I have begun to learn. It has been slow and full of mistakes, but I think I am finally starting to learn to live within my budget. There is little breathing room, yes, but I know that I can make it work. I know that if I work to re-channel my thought, I can realize what I'm taking for granted now, and the need for money will lessen as I take note of whats around me. I have all the tools I need to expand my happiness. I just need to stop using lack as an excuse. I have all I need. But it's hard.
This too, shall pass.
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Currently listening to Zoe Keating
1 comments:
Dad once game me some advice that I didn't think too much about at the time. Later I came to realize it was very good advice and I got to thinking. A lot of what he said went in one ear and out the other, but in retrospect it was all good. I found myself realizing that when I reached a point in my life, he had already been there and prepared the way for me. I hope that you get the same realization. I'm reading your blog and wanting to hold you. There is pain and sadness here and it echoes the pain and sadness in the rest of us. We each have the same fears and insecurities and feel alone, when in fact we are all suffering the same. Things get better, then they get worse. It's the way of life. Like the rollercoaster, click-click-click wheeeeeeeeeeeee.
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